I was watching "Are You Smarter than a Fifth Grader?" last night with my 5th Grader.

People, I don't recommend this. Not if you don't want to look like a total idiot in front of your children. Now, I'm not a dumb woman. I graduated right there in the top five of my class in high school. I can play Couch Jeopardy with the best of them. But that damn 5th grader show...

Makes me look like a total moron. I'm not sure if it's the way the questions are worded, or what, but I'm sitting there with the 1st Grade--1st Grade, mind you--True or False Animal Science Question, doubting my own answer. True or False: Do Female Goats Give Milk? (or something like that.)

I was thinking, well, heck, my aunt had a female goat when I was a kid. And I know you get milk from goats, because I buy feta cheese all the time. But...

Wait. What if it's not from the FEMALE? (I know, I know, you're sitting there at the other end of your computer going, come on, you seriously doubted that, but I tell you, they trick you all the time on this show). All these little kids up there are scribbling away their answers with that smug, "I know the answer and you don't," look on their faces, and even Regis Philbin, the celebrity guest is stumbling for a second. Do they?

My son is looking at me. "Mom, what do you think?"

"Uh..." I'm looking for a way to stall while I rack my brain for all my goat experiences. Does feeding baby goats at the zoo count? "Do you think the dog needs to go out right now?"

"Mom, we better answer before Regis does. I know the answer."

Smarty-pants.

"Uh..." Where the heck is Alex Trebek and his "Which of Jane Austen's novels is most frequently adapted into film?" question? "Uh, yeah I think female goats can be milked." Of course they can. What other answer is there? Right?

Regis is standing there, looking to Jeff Foxworthy for help. Jeff is just laughing at Regis. "I had a goat on my show once," Regis says. "And we milked it. I think it was a female."

"If it wasn't, then someone on your staff set you up pretty bad," Jeff says.

Eww. I'm glad that one flew over my 5th grader's head. No explaining necessary.

And then finally, it's revealed that yes, female goats are milked. Now on to second grade. Where those little whippersnappers start asking questions about the Revolutionary War and my 5th Grader turns to me, innocent as apple pie, and says...

"Mom, you remember that, don't you?"

I smile and say, no, that was beyond my time. "But I'm sure Regis does."

Then we change the channel to a show where I CAN understand the questions, and there's no making Mom look like a moron (though I keep rooting for a round of Jeopardy because no one in my house ever beats me at that one :-).

But there it is...the one show with no mental acuity pressure. Ah, the simplicity of "Deal or No Deal."

What about you? Do you like "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?" "Jeopardy" or "5th Grader?" Do you play along? Or just change the channel, in the interests of preserving your dignity? :-)

Shirley