Karen Foley
Lynn Raye Harris
Ellen Hartman
Diana Holquist
Samantha Hunter
Shirley Jump
Dee Tenorio
Jeannie Watt
S.O.S.
There's a Star Trek episode, "City on the Edge of Forever," (my very favorite one) where Edith Keeler, played by Joan Collins, asks Kirk to let her help.
Let me help. I think Edith says they are the three words that are probably the most powerful in the English language along with I love you. Last night, in the final episode of The Unusuals, it hit me how all of the themes in the story lines were built upon the idea of help -- a woman who lost her job helping one of the detectives (and she wouldn't get into a relationship with him b/c he refused to help himself), and a cop who helped a woman in spite of her emotional involvement with the case (or because of it) and how her partner helped her navigate through it.
Writers depend on help from each other and the people who support us all of the time. Writing a book alone is a very hard endeavor, and I know I haven't ever done it. I always rely on friends, family, sources.
I received some very nice help this week with a book from the Tampa Police Department (woo! cheers for Tampa PD!) from a detective who got back to me on email to offer his time and thoughts on questions I had for a book. My editor and agent are always generous with their help, as are CPs and friends, who are busy, but always stop to help. I've tried to do the same for them. The writing community is a very helpful one, I've found.
Family and friends tend to help each other without question -- I know the people I can count on for help no matter what. The ones who will come get me if my car broke down, the ones who would even travel distances if I needed them.
But receiving or giving help is very personal, because it means we're opening ourselves up, suggesting that we can't do it alone. That can make us prickly in some cases -- we don't want the help -- and asking for help can be a huge emotional commitment -- it means we trust. This is why, I think, when doctors, police, teachers, miistry -- anyone in a position to help -- messes up or abuses their position, it is so very, very much worse than when the average person falls from grace.
It's what also makes any of those people heros -- EMTS, firemen, the person who does a good deed -- because offering help just because you want to is really the pinnacle of nobility, don't you think?
There are the jokes about men not asking for directions, they are too proud to ask for help, but I know there are a few places in life where I often push away help -- one is in the kitchen -- sometimes I LET people help, but mostly I like to manage my kitchen my way. It's often awkward to turn down help, and my MIL and I have an ongoing joke about that, when she comes here, or I go there, and we help each other in the kitchen.
The other is with exercise, physical stuff -- poor Mike -- he tries to help, to correct form, how to do it "right" and I hate that. He knows better now not to correct my paddling form when we're kayaking if he wants to get me out on the water. This morning I was mentioning how I can't do deep squats in a workout and keep my feet flat, I always roll forward on the balls of my feet, and he spent at least 10 minutes "helping" me figure that out. It was okay, but I figure I'll always roll forward, because it's what my body wants to do. That's just one area where I hate being "helped."
And that brings us to the even harder aspect of help -- when we want to help, when we want to be there for someone, and make things easier for them, but they don't want the help, and sometimes will quite vehemently throw it back in our faces. That's a tough one I'm sure we've all been through. Sometimes even if you want to help, you have to know when to step away. When we refuse help, we have to accept the consequences, as well.
All of these formulations of help come up in my writing, I've found -- the idea of accepting help, or offering it, is a theme in a lot of romance, because people who care help each other. Sometimes they do so even when it's not easy, wise, or wanted. It's uncanny, as I sit here thinking about the books I've read and written recently, that they were all about characters helping on one level or another. Certainly, Lacey in Hard to Resist refuses all help with her problems, until she meets Jarod, who helps anyway, but also knows there are some things she has to deal with herself.
So how do you think about help? Do you have areas of your life where you resist any help, even when it's offered, or are you always willing to accept/offer a helping hand? Do you have any TV or book moments that are particularly meaningful to you where one character helps another? A help story of your own? Share. :)
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help!
I have a hard time asking for help. People say 'call if you need me' and when you do they aren't there. So I have huge issues asking for help. You mentioned trust - I didn't think to ask for one you have the other. I have trust issues too! Wow - I sound a mess. I don't think I am - I just consider myself overly-independent!
Asking for help
I find it hard to ask for help. But, if I find that I have to have help doing something, I will ask my family to help me.
Do it yourselfer
I was raised to be independent and do things for myself so it is hard to ask for it when needed. Last year when I hurt my back it was so difficult for me to accept help from others, even my own kids.
Interesting...
How fascinating that so far so many women find it hard to ask for help. Man, not me, LOL.
But why is it? I mean, I consider myself independent, too -- but not so much that I can't ask for help if I need it.
Interestingly, I asked a friend of mine about traveling alone, since she's done a lot of it, and her one piece of advice was never to worry about asking someone for help, whether it's directions, assistance, or if you are feeling odd about something, etc. I think that's good advice...
I bet I can guess that none of you find it difficult to help others, though? But really, isn't letting someone help you kind of a show of trust, like, opening yourself up to them enough to let them help?
Sam
Advice
It is extremely hard to ask for help because you want to believe that you can handle everything yourself. It's hard to accept advice when you think others are making a judgment about you and your life, but in reality they're just trying to help. Sometimes we must clear a mental hurdle before we can accept help.
Absolutely right, Jane
I think that's true -- we can feel the offer for help as a judgment, even when it's not -- and that's a huge hurdle.
Sam
help
Such an interesting subject Samantha !
If there's something I hate more than asking for "help" it's doing something "stupid" because I didn't ask !
Oh...
Good one!
Sam
independence or....?
Great post (as always), Sam.
When I have trouble asking for help, I try to remember something I read (gah--can't remember where): arrogance is the quality of believing you don't need other people.
I love that.
So I try to remember that it's not independence when I try to struggle through alone, but arrogance. Looking at it that way makes it easier to ask for help.
Still...it is hard.
Thanks, Di
I think that's absolutely right on, and what a great, concise way of putting it. :)
I have a similar mental trick for stopping me from worrying about people too much, I try to remind myself the people I love are smart, capable people, and over-worrying is acting like they can't take care of themselves (another kind of arrogance, I suppose). So that usually helps me get perspective. :)
Sam
Yikes
I have trouble asking for help when I need it because of the way I was brought up. In our family my father taught us to be independent and to rely only on family because others would let you down. Now my family is scattered and busy with their own lives.
Hey Ellen... yikes indeed.
Hey Ellen... yikes indeed. :) A lot of it probably does go back to how we were raised. And it's true, if we get let down sometimes, it can leave a lack of trust in asking again. I think in this world we also have to be careful whom we rely on, but in the end, like superspy Michael Weston (Burn Notice, LOL), says, "The idea of the lone spy is largely a myth -- we all need to rely on our friends." Or maybe the person next door, or the guy at the airport, etc.
The more I read here, the more I think asking for help, as well as offering, is a basic human connection we all should practice, even in small, simple ways -- we open a door for someone, to help. Maybe practice going in the reverse, too, sometimes? Asking a neighbor to help lift a box, or for a cup of sugar -- I think that's when neighborhoods used to be closer places, too...
Sam
Strange Thing Is
The strange thing about my not asking for help is that if someone needs help and I am able to help I'll be right there with any help I can give including the simple holding a door open for someone, picking up something someone dropped, etc.
Exactly. :)
I don't think anyone here wouldn't be a helpful person. But maybe it's a gift of a different kind to ask for help, even with little things... or not. LOL
Sam
Help
Hail to the Redskins!
I'm always willing to help and get hurt when people turn down my help. Us Evangelical Christians have a saying "you're depriving me of the joy of serving" as a nice way of getting others to let us help. When put that way, that we enjoy helping, no one can turn down help!
I lived by myself for 3yrs and got used to doing everything myself. Other than the cat, there was no one to ask for help. My dh had a tough time with this when we first married. On the otherhand, when I asked for help, he would say "in a minute" 10min later, when he "was available" to help, I had already done it, or was mad because I didn't appreciate waiting 10min. Or, he would tell me how to organize better or complain so much it wasn't worth asking him to help. And then we'd be back to square one. He's getting better, if he can't help when I need him, then he'd better make himself available or accept I'll do it myself. He's stopped giving me organizational tips as he's recognized his own lack of organization. He also realized that most of the time helping me load the car for errands are for HIM and has started taking his own shirts to the cleaners to lighten my load, or returning his own stuff to the store. Now THAT's helping!
I've had enough people complain about helping and making statements like "why can't you do it yourself" over the years that its hard for me to ask for help. And when it comes from other Christians, I have major issues with trust. Some have helped me overcome these issues and pointed out the other side (bad timing on my part, issues on their part). When people claim no one helps them, and then turn down help, that is a MAJOR pet peeve of mine. I've pointed that out many times, and have found that these people don't realize they're turning down help. Or when people point out "no one helped so and so clean up after that wonderful dinner" I point out the exact number of times so and so turned down help. That usually brings the one pointing things out up short. AND makes me wonder if that person even offered to help.
My in-laws are famous for pointing out all the work they have to do, then refusing help or compaining that "it isn't done right". I've pointed out all the times I offered and that usually quiets them down. I've even asked Wayne why they turn me down (do I not do it right for them?). He can't answer. They tend to rely on my BIL's who they have to ASK, then complain that they don't help when asked. HELLO, they have a DIL who is able and willing to help. I've gotten to the point that I offer and let them decide. I tell dh that I offered and its up to his parents whether they take me up on my offer. He's accepted that its his parents that aren't taking me up on my offer, not me being selfish.
Sorry to ramble, this is a big issue of mine.
Rambling always welcome :)
There's a lot here, but you reminded me of a funny rule that dh and I have about helping clean tables (or taking the last donut, etc), it was never formal, just evolved -- when we offer help, and someone says no, we offer three times. At the third time, we say "third time -- are you sure" yes. Okay. LOL Although I tend to not help too much with other people's kitchen/table things, since when I have guests to my home, I don't expect them to help, either. That's just one of my things.
But help/helping can be a weird, touchy thing.
It is such a complex thing. I have a bag here that needs a snap -- dh has been too busy to get to it, so it should have been in the mail for a friend days ago, but you know, he's had so much going on this week, so I have had to wait, and it will be in the mail Monday. So I can be patient there, but then, other times, when I want help RIGHT NOW, I make no bones about saying so, and usually that works (works in the reverse, as well. If he needs me to drop something RIGHT NOW, I will, but it's usually something urgent, or, you know, hands full and about to drop the pizza... LOL).
Sam
helping
Hail to the Redskins!
Today, dh and I were at BJ's and he offered to help me carry the 32 pack of diet coke. I had it and said no thanks. I put it on the self check out, and as soon as I ran it over the scanner and it went through the conveyer, he grabbed it and carried it to the car. I had to chuckle thinking about this blog.
I can wait on some things if dh is busy. A few times I've fixed things myself and dh said "why didn't you wait for me?" I stated "I've waited X number of months, years, and I think its been long enough". He never realized how long he's put it off and is now MUCH better about getting to things.
Operation: Sam
Hail to the Redskins!
Speaking of help, I noticed Hard to Resist this weekend at the downtown Indianopolis Borders. I put the books at the top of the rack. Operation: Sam is now in effect