Karen Foley
Lynn Raye Harris
Ellen Hartman
Diana Holquist
Samantha Hunter
Shirley Jump
Dee Tenorio
Jeannie Watt
Quick! Tell me a joke!
My baby went to 5th grade today.
I'm a terrible whiner about transitions and change so I'm moping around, complaining about time moving too fast. I made my husband tell stories from the day our son was born and am trying very hard not to manufacture an excuse to drop by school and check on things. ("Things," in this case, should be understood to mean my son.)
Lucky thing I have a blog and people to help me. Here's the plan: I'm going to share some jokes with you and then you will share some jokes with me and pretty soon I'll be all cheered up. (And maybe you'll have gotten a smile along the way, too.)
Joke #1: Ways to Handle Stress
(These are from an email I got about 20 years ago. They still make me laugh.)
1. Make a "Things to Do" list of things you've already done.
2. Put a bag on your head--mark it "Closed for the Holiday."
3. Stare at people through the tines of a fork and pretend they're in jail.
4. Change your name legally to "Your Highness."
Joke #2: Ad Gone Wrong
(From an ad for a restaurant.
Dinner Special: Turkey $2.35. Chicken or Beef $2.25. Children $2.00
Joke #3: A Banjo Joke
Playing the banjo is a lot like throwing the javelin blindfolded...you don't have to be very good to get people's attention.
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Okay. After looking up those jokes I feel marginally better. Who's next? Somebody tell a joke quick before I start thinking about my other baby going to 7th grade tomorrow. ;-)
P.S. As I'm sure you can tell from my examples, the jokes don't even have to be funny! :-)
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Just to get the ball rolling...
My favorite quote from Dolly Parton:
"I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb...I also know I'm not blonde."
Ellen--I'm here for you, but
Ellen--I'm here for you, but having a hard time thinking of a joke. Maybe it's the thirty eight graders straggling into the room. I'll check back later on my lunch.
Jeannie
Teacher Joke
Hi Jeannie,
Just for you...from teacher-appreciation.info
Mr. Jacobs, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's school, said, "Miss Arnold, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions."
Miss Arnold gasped, then said, "Mr. Jacobs, I don't think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you my parents will hear of this." With that she sat down red-faced.
Unperturbed, Mr. Jacobs called on Miss Jones and asked the same question. Miss Jones replied, "The pupil of the eye, in dim light."
"Correct," said Mr. Jacobs. "And now, Miss Arnold, I have three things to say to you. One, you have not studied your lesson. Two, you have a dirty mind. And three, you will someday be faced with a dreadful disappointment."
;-)
Uh oh
Not enough cheer.
I'm reaching for my Carpenters CD. This isn't going to end well...;-)
What's black and white and read all over?
Our website, LOL.
Ahhhhh.... maybe only funny to me? LOL
Boy do I hear you about needing a laugh...
Sam
Kid joke back at you...
That was funny. Way to get the promo into the joke fest. :-)
Here's a kid style one back to you:
Why is it so hard to play cards in the jungle?
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There are too many cheetahs! ;-)
Hope this makes you laugh!
One day, at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skintight miniskirt. When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight she couldn't get her foot high enough to reach to step.
Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn't reach the step. So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn't reach the step.
So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl turned around furiously and said, "How dare you touch my body that way, I don't even know you!"
Shocked, the man says, "Well, ma'am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends."
Hooray
Susan--that got me laughing!
Very nice!
Thanks. :-)
no jokes
I can never remember jokes - even if I laugh with them!
But - Susan your joke had me rolling.
Ellen - poor Miss Arnold!
Jokes
Hi Marcie--it's the thought that counts! Glad to see you around on my Day of Woe.
P.S. I googled "teacher jokes" for Jeannie's. ;-)
I'm back and I still don't
I'm back and I still don't have a joke. It must not be a very funny day here. Thanks for the teacher joke, though. That made me laugh, as did the zipper joke.
Next
Here's a real life school joke. At my Jesuit high school, the third year religion class was affectionately called Sex 3. We were supposed to learn all the things good Catholic boys and girls could and couldn't do in order to keep our consciences clean. Our teacher tried to give us this rule of thumb, "If it's above the neck, you're just fine. Below the neck is trouble."
My best friend asked, "What if we're standing on our heads?"
Love her. ;-)
I've Got One
What did the egg say to the boiling water?
"How can you expect me to get hard so fast? I just got laid a minute ago."
Funny!
Yay! I never heard that one before and it's a good one!
Easy to remember, too. Marcie, take note!
Thanks!!
Hugs!
Wow, all these September milestones to remind us time's a passin' ;)
Here are a few funnies I managed to save (I can never remember a joke when I need one; I've got to stick in a file and hope I remember where I put the file!):
Very Short Story
Man driving down road.
Woman driving up same road.
They pass each other.
The woman yells out the window, PIG!
Man yells out window, BITCH!
Man rounds next curve.
Man crashes into a HUGE PIG in middle of road and dies.
Thought For the Day:
If men would just listen
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Pants vs. Panties
Mike was going to be married to Karen so his Father sat him down for a little chat.
He said, 'Mike, let me tell you something... On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your Mother, and said, 'Here--try these on'.'
She did and said, 'These are too big. I can't wear them.'
I replied, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will. Ever since that night, we have never had any problems.'
'Hmmm,' said Mike. He thought that might be a good thing to try.
On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Karen, 'Here--try these on.'
She tried them on and said, 'These are too large. They don't fit me.'
Mike said, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will. I don't want you to ever forget that.'
Then Karen took off her panties and handed them to Mike. She said, 'Here--you try on mine.'
He did and said, 'I can't get into your panties.'
Karen said, 'Exactly. And if you don't change your smart-ass attitude, you never will.'
Thanks!
Fedora--I have a joke file, too. I love finding old jokes and remembering why I saved them.
Yours are funny. I'd heard the Pants one before but had forgotten it and got a nice chuckle all over again.
Here's one for you in the same spirit. It's a quote from Maryon Pearson.
"Behind every successful man, there stands a surprised woman."
Thanks for helping to cheer me up!