Karen Foley
Lynn Raye Harris
Ellen Hartman
Diana Holquist
Samantha Hunter
Shirley Jump
Dee Tenorio
Jeannie Watt
Welcome Guest Blogger Donna Alward!
The Non-Negotiables
Last night my brother arrived in town. I haven’t seen him in a year, not since our mum’s wedding last summer. It had been a few years before that too. He’s in Utah, I was in Calgary and now in Halifax. And my brother is sixteen years older than me, so honestly most of my memories are after he got married and started having kids – after all I became an aunt in third grade. In other words, we did not grow up close.
But last night we sat up talking for longer than we should have and I discovered that in many ways we really are very much alike. And we credit much of it to our Dad.
Our Dad died when I was only 17, and I already knew that I had acquired some traits from him (and from my mum too, who I discovered is far stronger than we realized when she suddenly had to go it alone). One, I have a strong work ethic. If it’s worth doing, it’s worth doing right (which isn’t anywhere nearly as fun as my favorite Mythbusters saying, “If it’s worth doing, it’s worth overdoing”, but I digress). Two, I’m stubborn. Anyone who knows me is nodding their head right now. Yes, I’m bullheaded. I will work at a task until a) I succeed or b) I kill it. Either way, it gets done.
From the outside, we probably look like bulldozers. But we’re really not. What it really means is that we feel very strongly about certain things and we are not willing to budge. Certain values that need to be upheld. It is more than a belief. It is an intrinsic part of who we are. A fault? Perhaps. A good quality? That too. Depends on the situation and people involved.
But talking to my brother last night we embraced the good side of our nature because the values we uphold with our bullheadedness are ones we feel strongly about. Values like fairness. Telling the truth. Owning your mistakes. Redemption. And I think you probably get a sense of these values in my books.
The biggest hurts in my life have come from times I have been betrayed and for me they are the hardest to forgive. And even after forgiveness, I do not forget. While people might think I’m “hard”, what it really amounts to is that if someone is not honest, if they have not dealt with me fairly, they will probably not get a second chance. That is a deal breaker my friend. That is my non-negotiable – Honesty.
However, if you own your mistake, that will earn my respect. You will get another chance. Because owning mistakes is something I feel very strongly about. Let me tell you, there have been times I have wished for less of a conscience because humble pie is not that tasty. But owning up to what you’ve done is important. With it, you set the stage for trust and respect.
Even with my kids, they know that the punishment for lying about something is far worse than the punishment for the behavior itself. If you’ve done something wrong, we’ll work it out. But you lie to me about it – there’s hell to pay.
It all comes down to integrity in the end, and I think my brother and sisters and I were very fortunate to have the parents we did, who passed that value on to us.
That core of integrity is what drives my characters. This month Hired: The Italian’s Bride is out with Harlequin Romance. Luca is my first Mediterranean hero and a bit of a charmer. But as Mari quickly learns, he has a great work ethic and an even greater capacity for compassion and fair play.
What are your non-negotiables? I’ve got a copy of Hired: The Italian’s Bride for a lucky commenter. Don’t forget – you have to be registered at Cigars to enter!
»
Welcome Donna!
Nice to see you again, and loved your post. You and I sound like twins split at birth, LOL. Share a lot of the same traits.
I have to agree with you on betrayal, though for me it's probably more a case of loyalty more than honesty (honesty is a part of loyalty, I guess) -- the hard part there is even if someone owns up, can you really ever trust them or feel the way you used to feel about them? Maybe, but in general, the three people I can name who betrayed me, who were truly disloyal, were made part of my past very quickly and I have never spoken with them again. However, there is a fourth, whom I would always be willing to welcome back into my life if he wanted to be there. It would be difficult, but I always hope it will work out in the future. I think we also always have to be open to forgiveness.
So I think we all also have our flexible points. I think with people we really love, it's not possible to just close the door. When our kids or family make terrible mistakes, hurt us, and even lie about them, we might try to stay with them, though certainly there should be some kind of line where we don't put up with it anymore. I think this stuff can get really complex sometimes, though. Painful. I guess this is the difference from honesty for me -- because I believe in loyalty, I will stick by someone as long as I can, even when they don't necessarily deserve it, but then there is a point where we have to say "no more."
Sam
Sam
Shutting the door is a hard thing to do sometimes. And even when loyalty - and even love - makes you keep the door open, sometimes relationships are just never quite the same.
I do find the older I get, the harder it is to bounce back from things too. There's probably a zillion reasons why, but I think a big part of it is now I'm more mature and so I see truth a lot easier. And the truth is that sometimes a relationship isn't quite as grand as you've always made it out to be, you know?
However that sounds quite depressing, so I should also mention all the lovely relationships that do stand the test of time, that make my heart feel ten times bigger just from hearing a simple hello. And I'm particularly blessed with some of that kind.
Donna
Emotional, Feel-Good Romance
http://www.donnaalward.com
my non-negotiable
Hi Donna - I'm loving Hired:The Italian's Bride. I'm halfway through.
I don't like to be lied to.
And the biggest - don't try control me, if you do I can act like the biggest brat ever and will do the opposite of what you tried to control me over!
Ooooh Marcie....
Well, first of all thank you for picking up HIB!
And secondly...I'm right with ya on the lying. And with the controlling. You know, I can't imagine why people think I'm stubborn... ;-) But you know I am the same way. Trying to control me pretty much makes me determined to do the opposite. No wonder my mother has gray hair!
I think my husband has clued into this though because if he really wants me to get things done around here, all he has to do is rile me up and make me good and mad. At the end of the day the house is sparkly and he innocently kisses and makes up.... somehow I don't have it in me to mind because I'm also a list-maker so having things clean and a few items ticked off the list feels pretty darn good. LOL!
Donna
Emotional, Feel-Good Romance
http://www.donnaalward.com
Great post!
Hi Donna.
I love your post, but I have to admit, I'm the opposite. I'm fascinated by people who lie, who misbehave, who don't do the right thing. I think it's the writer in me, but I want to know the whys and the hows more than I want to punish or hold a grudge. I guess I keep emotional distance from people like that--but I can't drop the curiosity. Sometimes people will say to me, "How can you hang out with HER?" and I'll think, because she is fascinating, complex, devious, interesting...human.
I'm especially fascinated by the lies kids tell. My kids don't lie--at least, not yet or not that I catch. But I try to teach them to take their friends' lies as wishes, as windows into personality, as bits of humanness to be treated with gentleness, not scorn. I think the most important lesson you can teach a child is not to hold a grudge, that life is full of mistakes and forgiveness, that people are allowed to grow and change.
So what's my non-negotiable? I guess it would have to be forgiveness.
Diana the Deep Digger
Hi Diana! You've made a fantastic point I think. I too am fascinated by those things, but I don't appreciate them in my close relationships, you know? Life is too short for grudges or punishments, I agree. But I think it's also too short to invest of yourself in relationships that are toxic.
The lies as wishes is a good way to put it. A lie is often making the world how we'd like it to be, and there's something oddly beautiful about that. Too many times we dismiss things as black and white without looking at the motivation behind it. It is one of the things I love about writing - delving deep.
Teaching your kids to forgive others and to be tolerant is so important. I know my eldest is having trouble with one person and we talk about why this "friend" might act this way. At the same time, though, I want to teach my kids that it is important to tell the truth, to own up to your mistakes, to learn from them, to grow as human beings. Lying about it doesn't make it go away. And lying about it makes the most important forgiveness of all really difficult - forgiving yourself.
The province where I used to live passed a law recently that allows any parent to pull their children from classes where topics such as sex ed or religion are discussed. On one hand, I can understand why, but in another, it makes me very sad. My children attended a school with several different religions and enjoyed learning about them. It broadened their minds and made them more tolerant and kind of other cultures. I think it is doing the children a disservice to shelter them from that information.
Donna
Emotional, Feel-Good Romance
http://www.donnaalward.com
And another quick thought...
Diana, re your curiosity, I re-read my post and got to thinking.
I am a huge fan of Battlestar Galactica and the really deep characterization. There is no one on that show that is completely good or bad. It is so thought provoking.
I adore Kara Thrace. Would I want her for a friend? I'm not sure. She's seriously flawed. I love love love plumbing the depths of her character, but I'm not sure I'd want us to be buddies. LOL! So yes to the emotional distance you were talking about.
Donna
Emotional, Feel-Good Romance
http://www.donnaalward.com
Donna, I really appreciate
Donna, I really appreciate your no-nonsense approach to the essentials, or ground level requisites, for close relationships. I am a very trusting person but it is because I expect that those around me are going to be as honest with me as I am with them. Easy to get hurt with that attitude! But I can't be any other way.
I do agree with other writers that it is fascinating to see how people use, manipulate, and betray people they know. It does make for good conflict, but I would want to keep it between the pages, not in my life.
Really looking forward to reading HIB. Don't have it yet ... maybe soon?
Helena
Helena, thanks for posting.
You said: "I am a very trusting person but it is because I expect that those around me are going to be as honest with me as I am with them. Easy to get hurt with that attitude! But I can't be any other way."
This is what I meant exactly, and it's I think why it hurts so much when I feel betrayed. I expect others to treatme as I would treat them. On the flip side of that - when I've treated someone badly, I feel absolutely horrible.
Luckily, as I get older, there are two things I do find easier to say: One is I Love You and the other is I'm Sorry. :-)
As far as HIB - it goes retail in NA on Tuesday. A friend of mine found a copy out in stores today, but the official date is the 9th. :-)
Donna
Emotional, Feel-Good Romance
http://www.donnaalward.com
Mine is a non-non-negotiable
I'm no fan of being used, but I would say the only thing I can't understand and have no interest in understanding, is "disowning" someone you love. Is it wise to sometimes let a friend go, yes, definitely. But when it comes to your immediate family--sorry, cousins can often fall in the "friend" category and you can let them drift off--I abhor when people would rather cut you off than work things out.
My sibs have used their silent treatment, "You're not my sister" attitudes to hurt one another. My in laws have. It's the worst kind of waste because no matter how frustrating, how hurtful, a situation gets, they're still your family. Still part of you. Cool off, sure. Back away, definitely. Cutting someone off...it's cruel and so very hard to forgive. I'd forgive, though folks shouldn't be surprised to discover anger when it happens, but I believe the trust would be damaged at the foundation and would take work on both sides for a very long time to fix.
Boy, I'm full of bummers lately. So, that said, I think the best thing possible is for someone to come home again. It might be different--there's no changing that--but that doesn't mean it can't be good in a different way. I will say, if I could have any of my loved ones back...I can't imagine a better day in my life.
Hugs for Dee
Dee, knowing what you've gone through so much lately I am just giving you big squishy hugs.
I don't think I've ever found myself in the "I don't want to speak to you ever again" camp; especially not with family. Even with other relationships, it might be a letting go of a friendship, but never writing off the person or disowning them.
I think the lack of second chances for me is a bit of a gray area in personal relationships. Your heart is involved, and all that forgiveness comes into play (as it should). It is easier to draw that line in the sand when it is, say, a professional or simply non-personal association.
Several years ago there was an incident where I went into a situation with my ideas of honesty and accountability and came out of that situation a blubbering wreck. When I was asked to work with the same people again a year later, I refused. I could not work with people I simply couldn't trust or respect. And that is what it came down to. It is far easier to make that decision when it is not a personal relationship and someone you love very much.
So much thought provoking stuff going on today!
Donna
Emotional, Feel-Good Romance
http://www.donnaalward.com
My non-negotiatable is also
My non-negotiatable is also lying. I cannot abide a liar.
Hi Donna!
I've got your book but haven't read it yet. Soon. I've got to read 24 books before I read yours. LOL.
On your topic:I don’t like liars but sometimes people do tell a few whoppers. Some may have reasons to but it’s best to tell the truth. I think my non-negotiable thing would be cheating and abuse both mental and physical. I think bullies are out as friends and hopefully relatives. I can forgive more in a family situation than I can in just a friend situation. That said sometimes friends are more forgiving than family.
When my dad died one of my brothers just stopped making any contact with the rest of the family. My sister who is nearer his age than I am and I have both tried to keep in touch but my younger brother is just so upset with the situation that he wants no contact with any of my brother’s family. It’s sad but we can only do what we can do. Life always has a few twists that aren’t expected or wanted.
Abuse, yes
Cheating, well, it would be hard, but if it were Mike (no chance, LOL), I would probably want to try to work things out. I think couples can hit hard times, things happen, and if it's mostly good, it's worth trying again.
However, abuse, physical abuse particularly, but emotional/mental abuse, to, yes, those are absolutely non-negotiable for me, too. One time would be the last time.
Sam
Abuse
Funny this has come up, because Hired: The Italian's Bride deals with abuse and the after affects. On a thread elsewhere someone made a negative comment assuming that the hero was a reformed abuser, and the person that had read the book corrected her. I totally agree with the negative comment by the way that she could never read a "changed" hero in that situation. I'd have a really difficult time too, so the remark didn't upset me, it just needed clarifying that it wasn't what I'd done.
So you'll be glad to know that Luca is 100% good man and not nor has ever been an abuser. Quite the contrary. He is exactly what Mari needs to heal the wounds from her past. His compassion and gentleness are a little surprising and I think the very best parts of him. At the same time, he's very driven, successful, and sexy. He was a great hero to write.
Donna
Emotional, Feel-Good Romance
http://www.donnaalward.com
Donna
HARD TO RESIST also deals with recovery from abuse as well... this theme comes up a lot in romance, though my hero wasn't the one, it was her ex. I can imagine in the more Alpha lines, this gets a little more difficult, since in the "old days" the old Presents alphas, in particular, were probably, in some ways, what we could now consider abusive -- I remember the rationale was that because of social mores of the time, the "choice" to have sex had to be taken out of the woman's hands, or she was considered loose. Man, am I glad those days are gone!
Sam
My non-negotiatable is
My non-negotiatable is gossiping; in a small town things are always thrown way out in left field and as each one tells someone else it gets bigger and worse. The people here have nothing better to do and it honestly hurts others when stories are mis-told or made up.
Something to think about...
Well, Donna, you certainly have given me something to think about today!! When I first read your post, I was agreeing with you 100%. I was all ready to type up my 'Exactly' reply. Then I read the comments so far...and I found myself agreeing with a lot of those, too. Hhmm...so where do I actually fit here, and what do I actually think? I'm not entirely sure now. In my head I can't abide a liar, but I myself have 'bent the truth' a little to make a situation easier to handle. That would make me a hypocrite, which is my other non-negotiable. Hhmmm.
Isn't it interesting how you can read an entire self-help article and not get a thing out of it, but you read comments on a blog and it hits home? Gives you something to ponder for a while? Makes you really look at yourself, what you believe, and how you behave?
Thanks for the post, Donna. I've got a lot to think about today....
Cathy
Cathy
Cathy, you're not the only one. I believed my post when I wrote it and I still do. But I LOVE discussions like this. Like a diamond, you get to see all sides and facets and appreciate them for their brilliance, don't you think?
It sure got me thinking as well. What we stand for has dimensions, don't you think? Because we are dealing with human beings...every one of us flawed.
And a big thanks to everyone for visiting and making my visit so fun. I guess we'll be picking a winner soon....
Donna
Emotional, Feel-Good Romance
http://www.donnaalward.com
Winner!
Kaelee! You're the winner! Drop me a line at donna @ donnaalward dot com with your snail mail addy! :-)
Donna
Emotional, Feel-Good Romance
http://www.donnaalward.com
Congrats, Kaelee!! LOL - I
Congrats, Kaelee!!
LOL - I love how you know you have 24 books before this one. It makes me smile. :-)