Karen Foley
Lynn Raye Harris
Ellen Hartman
Diana Holquist
Samantha Hunter
Shirley Jump
Dee Tenorio
Jeannie Watt
Reputation
I had my nieces and nephew over this weekend to celebrate their sister and my son's birthday (they're on the same day, six years apart). We had ice cream cake, went to see "Up" and spent the nights talking or, as the case occasionally was...arguing.
See, I'm new to the world of the teenager. I've got one now, taking care of my sister's oldest. Her next oldest is fourteen and while both are good girls, I found myself dealing a lot this weekend with the importance of reputation--and not just theirs.
The younger girl has a touch of her mother's temper, and at this age it means she gets defensive at any hint of disagreement. I'm not claiming to be a saint, but I've never been a prickly person and so I'm never sure how to handle this. She's extremely pretty and developed already, so, as you can imagine, she gets quite a lot of attention. She's surprised, however, how many of the girls just don't like her and haven't for some time. And of course, the terrible things those girls will say. Rumors abound and she says it's not her responsibility what other people think of her. And to a degree, it's really not. But that doesn't mean it doesn't matter.
So, I tried to think of a way to explain. No one--usually--does the think people THINK they're doing right out in the open. So, folks assume based on the things that we DO do in public. That's not to say folks don't extrapolate and just flat out make stuff up, but we don't have to help them out, right? Because whether we like it or not, reputations are important. You can't create the reputation of a tough, savvy, older than her age person and then be surprised when there are consequences, like other tough people coming up and challenging you. Or other savvy people trying to outsmart you. Or boys thinking you do the same thing older girls do. (Or girls for that matter) The good part comes with the bad.
So, the day over, I spoke with my younger sister, who is quite a bit like the younger niece and we had an enlightening conversation. She says it's easier for the younger girl to talk to her because, well...I'm judgmental. You can imagine how that went. It turns out, younger sister had all these expectations of me, not because I've ever said anything to her, but because she's positive I feel the way she THINKS I'll feel about her based on which parent I was raised by and the fact that I'm older than her. Worse, she has a whole view of how she thinks I view her, as some kid still. She's no kid, she's been married for years, has two kids of her own and has done a lot of growing up over the last ten years. In this case, in my own family, my incorrect reputation had been causing a rift between us and I had no idea about it. Is it my fault she thought these things? Not really. But it's definitely now on me to fix it. (With ball peen hammer if necessary, but that's a different story)
Which got me thinking about the "Authors Behaving Badly" reputation out there. It doesn't take much to build. One unwise remark in a heated situation online and suddenly, you're one of the evil, oversensitive authors who travel teeth-first, ears-later in violent packs. Some really do deserve the title, it must be admitted, but how does an author who only mildly behaved badly (or just unwisely behaved) earn their good reputation back? Do online readers ever forgive? Or can a single moment cost you forever because it's cached for all time in Google?
What do you think?
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Reputations are forever....
...online, anyway. For me, anyway. So I guess you could say I hold a grudge, but it's not that exactly. It's more that I don't have the time or the attention to dig deeper. Why would I care about a stranger? So if someone does something that turns me off on-line, I click elsewhere. There are PLENTY of authors I won't read because of their endless, inappropriate (I think) self-promo. Plenty of blogs I disregard because of one or two dumb (I think) things they've written. Heck, I can drop them, and go hang out at any other of the billion plus one blogs out there....
In life, it's harder to hold a grudge. There's more at stake. So I give people the benefit of the doubt. And I find that whenever there's REAL human contact, the reputation fades and the reality takes hold.
I hope your niece and sister know how lucky they are to have a compassionate, concerned person in their corner.
Good luck!
LOL, well, I don't know about lucky...
but at least they know I'm there. And I think you're right, having a face to put to the lack of forgiveness is a lot harder. Online, you can move on and totally forget about someone. Which is really bad for an author.
Dee--If I read a group blog
Dee--If I read a group blog or thread and one person does something that totally turns me off, I'll probably still hang around because of the other things it has to offer. So, in that case, it's possible my bad opinion will change. Cyberspace is pretty unforgiving, though. I can only imagine how some of the things teens post are going to come back and haunt them in the future.
Though provoking blog, Dee. A few times I've been amazed at the disparity between what I say and what my husband hears. I'm trying to be funny or light about something and his defenses go up--so I'm obviously triggering something I didn't expect to trigger.
OMG!
I so have that problem some times! Half my life with the man and we still do this. Maybe it's a man/woman thing?
Dee--You have made me feel
Dee--You have made me feel so much better. So I'm not the only person perplexed by this saying/hearing issue. And yes, maybe it is a gender issue.
Hmmm
Online communication is fraught with problems and misunderstandings so my personal take is always to try to be more forgiving online. As much as we think we know someone from online communication, we don't, not really. I've stuck my foot in it more times than once online, and I have run into people who have been gracious about it and others who have not. So in general, when it happens to me, I try to be one of the gracious ones, if I can.
But I also wonder, given your example, why anyone would want to earn back the good graces of someone who rips you apart for any reason? You're probably better off without them; find some new friends. LOL There are plenty out there.
You really have to screw up bigtime, not just put a few noses out of joint on a blog or whatever, to really wreck a career. I honestly don't think petty disagreements will do that, and even if you do have a blowup with one or two people, so what? Not everyone in the world can get along perfectly, and I know people all the time who work side by side with people the don't like or agree with. That's just how life is. You suck it up, do the job, walk away. I may be a bit "male" in that view, but it's really how I see it.
On the other hand, the other thing you face is a whole different ball of wax -- I have been there with a teenage boy, and while I am all for "expressing yourself and your style," as you say, kids cannot perceive the larger implications of the image they often project, and part of parenting is sort of like fishing... how much line to let out, and when to reel them back in, flapping and fighting if they don't like it, too bad. Parents can't be buddies, not at that point, not when it comes to making hard calls and risking some vehement dislike. I guess you have to ask, "what is the real harm here?" and go from there. A "pick your battles" kind of thing.
Sam
I've seen some blowouts...
where a person is maligned for the one thing they said among thousands of comments. And it's always remembered. But you're right, it's a pick your battles thing with the teens.
In my case, I came home from the funeral today and my older sister had cleaned my downstairs. The Niece came home and was commanded to clean the bathroom, which she did without question. When I asked niece how that happened, she said honestly, "Are you kidding? I don't fight with her. She'll kill me."
Reputation. I'm nice reasonable aunt with OCD who will eventually do it myself. Sister is Terminator Aunt.
I DEFINITELY need a better rep.
You made me realize...
I also have to say, I belong to some *wonderful* author groups -- the Superromance group, the NINC writers list, the PASIC group, and on every single one of these groups, authors have had some very rousing discussions among writers who sometimes strongly disagree, and even who say unwise things now and then, but in a community of smart, amazing people, they know how to have a discussion like that and not let it turn into sandbox politics. I really value those discussions, but it's because they are among professionals who all really listen and think. They value you sharing your honest views, even if they don't agree. When you find groups like that, you sort of forget about all of the other stuff, because you don't bother with it anyway...
Sam
I don't spend alot of time
I don't spend alot of time on group blogs or discussion boards for a number of reasons, most important that I have a repetitive motion injury and if I'm typing, I'm writing, for the most part.
That said, I know of people, mild-mannered, sweet-tempered, kind, generous people who simply will NOT discuss, chat with, hang out with, etc, other writers who have maligned them online. As a new author, it's a frightening combination of the worst of high school and the possible destruction of a career or reputation. I'm trying to live by the advice I read somewhere of not saying anything online I wouldn't shout to a room full of agents and editors...because IMHO it is forever.
As for forgiving...I honestly don't care what a writer's like online. I don't. I care about the book. You can be Miss Sunshine online but if your book isn't to my taste, I won't buy. Likewise, you can be a real witch online and if I like the writing, I'll buy it. Purist or disloyal idiot? You decide! ;)
Anne
www.annecalhoun.com
www.annecalhoun.wordpress.com
LOL
No wonder I like you. ;)
Also, I think editors/publishers share your view -- as long as you do good work and they can work with you productively, I don't think they care much if you are sweet and lovey, and they don't care much about blogs etc because even if 20 people see the blog, or even 200, it's a miniscule percentage of readership, etc. Sometimes those things can even spark sales, like a bad review. The only thing they care about, in the end, is that you do good work, get your books in, and sell.
I think it's fair to not hang out with people who malign you -- why would you? Then again, you may have to work with them someday, so you have accept that too.
Sam
Anne
A reasonable person online. I didn't know folks like you existed anymore. :) LOL!
LOL
See? That's what I meant -- you just find reasonable people to hang out with. ;) Sometimes it takes a while, but they are around.
And gee, Dee, you've been hanging out HERE with all of us reasonable people, right? Hmmm? *G*
Sam
I usually classify us...
as INSANE. :) But I'll call you reasonable if you like. No one will believe me, lol...
Heeeee
Okay, I have to hand you that one.... *G*
Hmmmm.....
I touched on this topic with an author last night. Not exactly, but it spurred on some thoughts I've been having for a while. Maybe I have a different idea coming to the discussion with a reader not writer's perspective?
So. Authors are more like "public figures" - where slander/defamation rules are different than for your "average" individual. Or, likening authors to politicians (who now have a bad reputation...) - but you're put under closer scrutiny. Not to say that this gives bloggers a free pass. I think the tricky thing is, authors are the professionals, and as such, when under the "author hat" they should be acting... marginally professionally.
I like frivolous discussions - much more than the average person, likely, but I don't want an author coming after me saying "U SUX & UR DUM BCUZ YOU DUN LIKE MY BOKE!" I think a lot of those things really stick out in people's minds (and for all the aforementioned reasons).
For me... I know everyone has a bad moment. So, really it depends on the bad moment for me. Some authors, I really liked, but after finding out they plagiarized, or made up reviews... well, the former, is not ok. The second... early on in an author's career, I can understand stupid mistakes. The latter I'm more forgiving.
I don't like whining. I know it's hard taking criticism, and to be quiet when you want to break things and hit someone with a car. But... yeah. Really aside from stalking or something outrageous, I won't really let author behavior affect whether or not I read his/her books. (I've only ever written off 1-2.)
On the other hand, friendly authors, etc, ones that are open and interact well, I might read their books because I've become interested. (This doesn't guarantee that I'll love the book, however. In that, I am able to separate issues.)... This is really rambling- I hope it made sense. :X
Oh crap...
I guess I have to give up the stalking thing.
Damn. ;)
(Sorry, bored tonight... LOL)
Sam
LOL LOL LOL
Heh. Sam.
:P
Also/anyway I've determined that NOBODY is allowed to have a bad day online.
Nobody.
It'll haunt you forever, and people will find reasons to pick at you, and never let you forget it, and you'll be the one who is called out, even if countless people have done the exact same thing.
... sometimes I hate the internet.
Hmm...
I think that the author's long-term behavior is what helps provide a more complete picture--it *is* easy to ruin a reputation in a single careless/unwise heat-of-the-moment way, but at the same time, if you're truly repentant afterwards, or can offer a reasonable explanation and over the long haul, you don't show bad/cruel/stupid/mean behavior repeatedly, I wouldn't write you off forever--you're just showing that you're human.
On the other hand, if you're consistently a wack job, well... ;)
:)
And this I think is the definition of graciousness. :) IMO
I should have shared this yesterday, but I was braindead: way back when, before I sold, I did a dilly on eHarlequin by posting an opinion and several authors got really offended. However, one, Lori Wilde, instead of getting offended and pissed off, emailed me and opened up conversation on the point I made, sent me a signed book which said "To Sam, who speaks her mind" and I treasure that book, and Lori is one of the people I most look forward to seeing at Nationals, and I love her books!
Which goes to show how your response to someone can make all the difference, but not everyone has Lori's level of class, that's for sure. :)
Sam