Diary Of A Judgmental Cow
You're probably thinking this is going to be an April Fool's Day post. Something funny for to tickle your bone du funnay. Nope. Not today. Today is for confessions.
You see, I have an alter ego. Unlike my father's well known persona of "Dammitman", or even my sister's not so secret career as "Areyoutalkingaboutme Girl", I have a whole other life no one would ever suspect.
I know that I've garnered a reputation of being a nice person. I haven't beat anyone up with a lead pipe or spread rabid rumors through RWA or the Blogosphere. I haven't even gotten into a flamewar with one of those "snarky" blog reviewers (Hi gals!--I'll be over soon for my fix of delicious wit.). As far as being a bad girl goes, I'm a public failure.
However, in my most secret mind, in that place where I actually police my thoughts before they escape to my mouth, my other identity lives, strong and well.
Her name is...
Judgmental Cow.
I'm not sure when it started, but I do know it has something to do with my "story sense", as hubby calls it. I observe whenever I go out into the world. It's amazing the conversations people have at the mall, as if no one would be listening. I would absorb it all, thinking of how I might fit this or that into a character or a plot. It was just fodder.
But then I started getting addicted to my fodder. What interesting tidbit would I hear next? It wouldn't hurt to veer from my course to hear just a little more, would it? That was the birth of "Nosy Cow". Nosy, of course, is not nearly as bad as judgemental.
So, time goes by and I start hearing my own thoughts as I see people and things. Occasionally, I'm amused by these thoughts. Things like, "Oh Good God, people, if you have enough money to spend two hundred dollars on your underwear, can't you afford some pants to cover it up?" Or, "No, honey. Millionaire husbands do not give you the right to pretend you're 22 when you're 55."
But then I noticed that my thoughts weren't quite my own. One, the Cow started making comments on my own clothes. Now, I don't dress well, but that's because I'm cheap, not because I don't have taste. Then the Cow stopped showing any consideration at all. Why just yesterday, I was searching for a bathroom in Macy's only to pass a plain white shirt with the words, "All I want is Peace!" glued on it in gold lame lettering.
There I am with a full bladder and the Cow actually stops to check the price because, don't you know, that shirt is going to cause world peace and she just has to know how much Macy's really thinks they're going to earn on it.
Like teeny boppers give a rat's rump about World Peace.
She's fun, occasionally. Acerbic humor, biting observation skills and an unerring sight for the inconsequential, Judgmental Cow is sometimes my best friend. I thought about getting her her own blog. Letting her point out what is wrong with the world, one couch-printed muu-muu at a time.
But on the other hand, there's just something wrong with judging all the time. It can leave one feeling icky. Lets put it this way---there's a reason cow's need to swing that tail around all day and its got nothing to do with getting a hot date.
So how do you stop doing something you do out of reflex? It's like licking the empty spot after you lose a tooth. You shouldn't...but you do. Am I the only one who thinks these things? Does the cow have a herd? Or do I just need to turn this girl into beef jerky?
Dee
Poor Cows
So maligned... LOL I tend to think cows are the least judgmental of the animal kingdom... now cats... that's another issue altogether. Not only judgmental, but perfectly comfortable with it. *G*
But yes, I think we have some of those reflexive bad habits, judging, complaining, critiquing, -- generally nitpicking or seeing the negative in things. It's human I guess. I always wonder why we get into those modes sometimes, and thank God we can notice and yank ourselves back out and promise never to do it again -- until the next time, LOL.
There is a point, maybe, as you wisely point out, where it's simply observation, or maybe a joke, a passing moment, and then like one of those "super flu bugs" it hooks into a bad day or a bad mood and it takes on other characteristics and that's when the negativity of it can set in. Have to watch out for that. Mind your own fire, wag your own tail, whatever. Then again, sometimes you can also call a spade a spade and be right about it, and settle at that. I guess if it's a moment, that's one thing, and if it's a habit, that's another thing altogether.
Sam
Sam called me "wise"!!!
HAHAHA! Can't take it back now! It's in print!!
Dee
(smugly proving wise and childish are often hand in hand, lol)
I know her!!!
Judgmental Cow hangs out with me a LOT!! And the one she judges and picks on the most is ME! She can turn any little thing into the perfect example of pending doom and failuer *g*
I did evict her, though. She just does drive by's now.
LOL, Dee. I think you should write a book with JC as the heroine :-D The humoris so clear in your blog post, just think how much fun an entire book would be!!!
LOL, I thought about it...
if only I could draw cows better. I could make a cartoon strip!
LOL, I wish JC would go away a bit more. She needs to see the sights.
Dee
Gloria
My cow's name is Gloria. Most of the time she is content to chew her grass quietly, keeping her comments to a minimum. Then there are times she gets a little...unruly. I've noticed she gets a little more prolific at times when my hormones are fluctuating. And when I'm on a diet.
-Tasha
Oh Tasha!
You are SOOOO onto something. I was an EPIC JC this last week for that very reason. It was so bad my husband was actually considering telling me the truth when I asked if I was being bitchy. You KNOW it's bad then, lol.
Hmm, what to name my JC. How about Julia? That's always struck me as a classy, uppercrust name. Someone who can afford to be judgmental, lol.
Dee
Tea
Julia sounds perfect. She would fit right in with Gloria. I can imagine the two of them sitting down to tea in some swanky restaraunt wearing those large brimmed hats and looking down their cow noses at the peons below.
I don't ask if I'm being bitchy, but I can usually tell if I'm acting that way because my husband runs more errands during those times! Last week he made two trips to Wal-Mart, three grocery trips and took the kids out for breakfast!
-Tasha
Moo...
Oh wait, there she is--apparently there's a JC who hangs out a lot at my house, too, Dee! I think the mistake I make is occasionally enjoying her company (especially if we're hanging out with some other JCs) because I do enjoy the serving of snark. But then she makes herself at home and wears out her welcome, and then booting her out is a pain! Clearly there's a club of some kind...
I think at one time or
I think at one time or another , I have also been a judgemental cow.
I'm a judgmental Stegosaurus
Seriously. My son learned this hilarious song in preschool about stegosauruses (stegosauri?) that ends with:
Some times another dinosaur comes by and wants to FIGHT! *punctuated by clenching his three-year-old fists and shaking them*
I don't use fists
I use my tail
It's lined with sharp, sharp spikes.
So I said to my sister, "I wish I had a tail with sharp spikes on it. I need one of those." And she said, "You've got one, Margaret. It's your tongue."
Ouch. True, but ouch. So this judgmental stegosaurus will take her spike-lined tail and go sit in the corner for a while.
I think I'm generally more
I think I'm generally more silently judgmental or sometimes IM judgmental than verbally, but yeah, I have one of those cows, too. ;)
M
Yet another bovine here,
I'm trying to be less of a judgmental cow, because, you're right, Dee--it does leave me feeling icky. As as I get older, I get less judgmental. I don't know if its will power or because judging can be exausting and I'm flat out worn out. :)